No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
