i think i have two assholes
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
