My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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