Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
