weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
