i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
