So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I can't put those talents on a resume
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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