I heard we made out
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
