U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
