Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
