Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Randomize
