I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
