just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
