And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
