dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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