Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
