he wants to bone in the snuggie
I am midnight drunk by noon
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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