my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize