dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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