I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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