Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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