I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
