he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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