hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
