I will die if light touches me.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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