god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You have to summon your inner elephant
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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