i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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