fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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