i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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