Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You left your phone here
Wait...
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