And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
