he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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