Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
