She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
