Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My liver just had a heart attack.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
