You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
organizing the empties. That sober.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
