I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I need to stop coming to work sober
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
