I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
