I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
