You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
