You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
