no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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