Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
