so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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