I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Two words: blizzard sex
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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