I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
me + whiskey = a bad person
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
