i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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