my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
