I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
