Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
