omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
