Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
