Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
