tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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