he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
