True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
