I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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