ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
